Diary of a Hut Guardian

A week not going up Mt Blanc – in fact not going up anywhere much – gave us the opportunity to put our usual triumphs and travails to one side and see hut life from the other perspective.

Diary of a Hut Guardian – 15th April 2012

7.30 AM. Wake up. Reach for fags. Light up and feel better. Brush ash off shirt and wonder idly if worth changing into other shirt to impress Sexy English Lady. Then remember only 15th of the month and decide to persevere with rugged mountain look. Ditto pants.

7.40 AM. Make way to dining room.  Disappointed SEL not there.  In fact no-one there and only 20 minutes to breakfast. Then one of rosbifs emerges. Tell him authoritatively that breakfast is at eight sharp and will be taken off the table at 2 mins past. Feel better. Pour glass white as morning and light fag. Start cutting bread and amuse as usual seeing how long ash gets before dropping into bread. 3 minutes – 30 seconds longer than yesterday!

7.51 AM breakfast ready. No further signs of life – time for the BELL! – right outside rosbifs door.

7.53 AM stop ringing – 2 mins 33 seconds – only 5 seconds off personal season best set in March (really, really annoying group of Germans)! Rosbifs now jumping about like scalded cats – Brilliant! Pour glass white, light fag and settle bag in observational chair in Kitchen to watch the fun – always works threatening rosbifs with no breakfast!

Feel loads better. Then remember how annoying English were last night. Drank two bottles of beer and knocked glass over. Bloody alcoholics! Feel worse so take deep slurp of wine and light fag. Wish for fourteenth time this week that had taken other career option of Foreign Legion as would have learnt all sorts of ways of torturing foreigners, especially annoying ones. Then remember doing pretty good torturing job already by giving long and repetitive lectures on hut etiquette in my best English. Sure SEL v impressed with English and feel better. Maybe change shirt for tonight.

8.10 AM Reassure Spanish party that going to the Tre-la-Tete in snowstorm is v good idea. The guardian there will take their money for a night and send them back down the mountain tomorrow of course. Make mental note to ring later for usual cut.

9.15 AM All left to wander aimlessly about and fall down in the snow and the fog. Wonder for 15th time this month why they do it, shrug and light fag. Glance at open tool box on display in entrance hall. Think of mending something, but what? Too busy at beginning of season and now near the end so decide to leave until next season. Ditto cleaning toilets and showers. Make mental note to make more effort next year. Pour glass red. Think of moving tool box to tidy up a bit then decide good idea to leave as is looking like it gets used. Ditto toilet cleaning stuff.

9.20 AM Finish clearing up breakfast. Pour glass white and go back to bed for well-earned rest.

3.30 PM Wake up. Light fag and feel better. Remember suddenly promised to make special Savoyarde cheese and wild mushroom dish to impress SEL! Go to freezer to look for mushrooms gathered after lunchtime session with lads last October. Remember v pissed at time and plan to sort poisonous ones after defrosting now looking dodgy as mushrooms now all one soggy mess! Decide reluctantly not worth risk of poisoning SEL. Last night of season so they can go out and take chances in local rip-off restaurant. Pour glass white and think on bright side no need to change shirt now until end of month.

4.00 PM tell rosbifs no dinner and decide to lie low for evening. Pour bottle red in extra large glass and turn on telly.

10.00 PM Bed.
Alcohol units: 47 – v bad decide to stick to white and rose tomorrow
Fags: 58 v good as still off the Gauloise.

On the trip were Susie Amman, Phil Jardine, Ian Wells, Tom Rye and Stefan Parkins.